


I Carry On

by hellowkatey



Series: Febuwhump 2021 [11]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Ahsoka Tano Gets a Hug, Ahsoka Tano Needs a Hug, Alcohol, Angst, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, FebuWhump2021, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Girls' Night Out, Hallucinations, Hallucinogens, Recreational Drug Use, the women's restroom in a club is a magical place
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:48:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29349966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellowkatey/pseuds/hellowkatey
Summary: On her first night after leaving the Jedi Order, Ahsoka looks for ways to get her mind off the family she left behind.[Febuwhump day 11: hallucinations]
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano
Series: Febuwhump 2021 [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138259
Comments: 1
Kudos: 25





	I Carry On

**Author's Note:**

> rated M for illicit drug and recreational alcohol use

In her defense, Ahsoka literally just left the Jedi Order. Like, hours before walked down the steps of the Temple, leaving her Master standing there looking as though he had been punched in the gut. She took no pleasure in his disappointment, but she knew she had to leave. 

Ahsoka just wasn't sure where to go. 

Her whole life has been spent either in that Temple or on a Star Destroyer in the middle of a galactic war. Not exactly the usual upbringing. As she walked through the streets of Coruscant, stripped of her lightsaber and her identity, Ahsoka had the overwhelming desire to buy a blaster. 

Apparently, it is difficult to be a seventeen-year-old girl and buy a blaster. Legally, at least. 

Which is how she ended up a few levels lower than she has ever been. Which is also how she ended up getting a bargain-- a lightly used blaster with no (traceable) criminal history, as well as a pamphlet for a club opening a few levels up. 

A part of her was hesitant. She's been in plenty of cantinas, and she is of the age of responsibility for drinking, but a night club is a different story. But the prospect of spending the night alone with nothing but her old life as a Jedi on her mind seemed like a horrible idea. 

As it turns out, a nightclub is an incredible place to escape reality. Lights of every color flash through the darkened multilevel club. A wrap-around bar covers three sides of the first level while the center is a massive dance floor filled with what seems like every species in the galaxy. Ahsoka marvels at the upper stories of additional bar and VIP seating that tower above her, all also filled with people. 

It's loud. The music shakes the ground and makes her ears ring. People are constantly shoving into her, and the accompanying scent of sweat and alcohol is strong enough to put down a banta. 

Strangely enough, she _loves it._ The chaos energizes her a well as the feeling of being close to so many people. Though they are strangers to her, she feels comforted by brushing arms with those she passes, or the grins of other young women with rosy cheeks and glossy eyes. When Ahsoka goes into the fresher to relieve herself, she discovers a whole other aspect to club life that quickly becomes her favorite part. 

"Oh my gosh, I _love_ your face paint!" a human woman about her age squeals as she comes out of the stall. Ahsoka doesn't have the heart to tell the stumbling girl that her markings aren't painted-- she has a feeling the concept won't stick-- so she smiles instead. 

"Oh, uh, thank you!" 

The woman grins, pulling at the hem of her short black skirt. "My name is Caly." 

"I'm Ahsoka." 

To her surprise, Caly embraces her tightly. "Such a pretty name Ahsoka! You're so pretty too. Are you here with people?" 

"Uh, not really." 

Caly pulls away, looking at her with wide brown eyes. "You're here alone? Damn girl, look at you being an independent gal. Do you want to hang with my friends?" 

Ahsoka didn't really expect such warm kindness from the club refresher, but she can feel Caly's genuine feelings in the Force. Light lines her Force presence, and so Ahsoka agrees. Caly guides her through the crowd to a group of other sentients near the corner of the dance floor. Most look to be human, but there are also a few humanoids and a Twi'lek in the group. Their introductions are cut short by the song changing, and another girl Caly called Raan squealing in delight. 

"It's our song!" she yells, and as though this is their battle cry they go running onto the dance floor, forming a circle amongst their group. Ahsoka follows, completely starstruck with the entire encounter. From what she can tell, most of the friends are around her age range. Much of the club seems to be young, as far as she can tell, which leads her to believe that if she weren't a Jedi, this is how she'd be spending her free time-- dancing and drinking with friends. 

_But you're not a Jedi. Not anymore_ , the less fun part of her brain tells her. Ahsoka decides to shut up that voice by downing the rest of her drink. 

Drinking is another thing she isn't accustomed to, but she's had a few brews with the troopers before. She quite likes the warm buzz that the alcohol gives her as it settles in her stomach, and she goes to order another. When Ahsoka returns, "their song" has ended, and they have reunited back in the original spot. Caly smiles when she returns. 

"Ahsoka! There you are. We were just about to move upstairs." 

"What's upstairs?" 

"A place to sit. Watch the fun. Have some fun," she says with a wink. Ahsoka suspects she is supposed to know what that means, but she doesn't. But with two drinks in her system now, she is willing to find out what it is her agemates do on a night out. So she follows them. Ahsoka settles between Caly and Raan in a couched area at the corner of the club. The music is quieter, but the lights still shift colors every few moments. 

"What brings you to a club alone, Ahsoka?" Caly asks, taking a little box from the person next to her and taking out a small tablet, and setting it on her tongue. 

"I... had a bit of a bad day." 

The girl looks at her with sympathy. "I'm so sorry, what happened?" she asks as she passes the small box to Ahsoka. She stares at the colorful tablets inside a moment and then looks back up at Caly. "Do you want one?" 

"What is it?" 

"Dreamdust!" she pauses. "You don't have to have one, just if you want one. It might help with your bad day." 

Ahsoka has heard of dreamdust, actually. A padawan she once knew told her all about his escapades with different drugs and how they felt. He tried dreamdust and said it made him feel amazing, close to the Force. And if it will silence the voice in the back of her head that plagues her with reminders of Anakin and Master Obi-Wan and Rex and the war, then she will accept the chemical fix. She takes a tablet from the box, popping it onto her tongue as Caly had done, and passes it to Raan. 

"I got fired," Ahsoka says to Caly, before sighing. "Or, I guess I quit." 

She giggles. "How do you get fired _and_ quit?" 

"They were going to fire me, and then I quit when they decided not to." 

"Well hell yeah, sounds like they didn't appreciate you. I'm sure they'll miss you once you're gone and they know what they lost." 

Ahsoka sighs. "I doubt it, but maybe." 

Caly wraps an arm around her shoulder. "Getting fired sucks but you'll find somewhere else. Gotta find a place for the next chapter to start anyway." 

A voice hollers from the other side of the circle. "Cal, are you getting philosophical again?" The others laugh. Picking up strays from the fresher must be a common occurrence. 

"What, you want to receive my wisdom as well?" she grins. 

"I get far too much of your wisdom." 

"Then why are you still so dumb?" 

Another roar of laughter and Ahsoka melts back into the comfortable couch. She can't help the smile that comes to her face watching the group of friends bicker. Though all of this was to get her Jedi life out of her mind, it's only managing to make her heart ache with the idea that she won't ever again get to spectate on one of Anakin and Obi-wan's sass battles. Or sit in the mess with the clone troopers as they try to teach her curses in Mando'a. Or getting to see her crechémates when she goes back to the temple and catching up on all their adventures with a bottle of Jawa juice and a game of sabacc. Suddenly her life is divided into _before_ and _after._

She knows she can't take it back and go back to the way things were. She won't let herself give the council that satisfaction. 

"Well doing what the council says, yeah, that's one thing," a familiar voice rings out. Ahsoka's body feels heavy and tired, but she looks up slowly. Standing at the end of the table is none other than Anakin. She nearly jumps with surprise, but her body doesn't seem to want to respond. "How we go about doing it, that's another idea." 

"Master?" she squints at his distorted figure. His hair is shorter, cheeks rounder, and all of him seems to be transparent to the lights that shine from the dance floor. It's all wrong, but from the way the walls are melting away she has a feeling nothing is as it seems. 

"Ahsoka," he frowns. "What in blazes are you doing here?" 

It's Anakin's body and lips moving, but her master has never had a core accent. He crosses his arms, jetting out his hip like Master Kenobi does sometimes, but it just looks awkward on Anakin. It makes her giggle until she feels a nudge at her side.

"What are you laughing at, young one?" 

Master Plo. Caly is gone and Master Plo now sits next to her. "Master Koon what are you--" She looks to her other side where Raan was just a moment earlier but it's Chancellor Palpatine, staring at her with his dark, beady eyes. Panic fills her to the brim and she moves for Master Koon's comfort, but the space next to her is empty. She looks for Anakin, Obi-Wan, _anyone_ but she is alone with the Chancellor. 

"You have been charged with sedition against the Jedi Order and the Republic itself," he says, a menacing smile stretching across his features.

"No," she says, jumping to her feet. Somehow he still seems to be standing higher than her. A platform that continues to rise.

"This court," his words echo off the walls, growing louder with each repeat. "Will decide your fate."

She turns to run, but she slams into a wall, staggering backward as the bitter bite of the whistling winds and heat of the lava pits fight for dominance. 

_"You have been charged with sedition against the Jedi Order and the Republic itself."_

"It's not true! She cries, turning around and around only to realize she is in a cell and not a night club. The impenetrable walls of the Citadel are closing in on her, pulling her into the darkness of their keep. She bangs her fists against the walls as though her strength could really break through solid rock and steel. Finally, she stands back, taking a deep breath, and then putting all her weight into a running start. Her shoulder smashes into the wall, but the rock and durasteel shatter like transperisteel, and she is falling, faster and faster through the open air. Ahsoka closes her eyes, reaching out with the Force to grab onto something--anything-- and her breath is nearly knocked out of her when the Force responds immediately. She's suspended midair, the Force pulsating around her with life and the rest of the world frozen in a moment of time. She walks through the nothingness to the nearest solid ground, only to find herself atop a rocky cliff of a lava planet. 

"What about me?" Anakin yells, his eyes shimmering a bright gold as he looms over her. When did she fall over again? How did she get on the floor? And why is he staring at her with such malice? "I believed in you! I stood by you!" 

"What are you going to do?" she bellows, realizing his lightsaber is in his hand, and there is dangerous darkness surrounding her master. A darkness she has never felt before, like needles going through her bones. She reaches through the Force, expecting to find their bond, but instead, she feels an eerie nothingness that makes her audibly gasp. Anakin shakes his head, a tear dripping down his cheek.

"What you made me do," he says in a low voice, looking past her and igniting his saber. She has to roll out of the way to avoid his pursuit, expecting the burning light of his weapon to slice her in two. But he doesn't. She opens her eyes and his lightsaber is smashing against the readied weapon of Master Kenobi. They fight furiously, desperately. Not like when they spar, but when they go up against real enemies with real motivations to kill. 

"Stop it!" Ahsoka yells, but they pay her no attention. She pulls herself to her feet, tears streaming down her face. "Masters, please! I'm sorry!" 

"Stay out of this!" 

"Stop it!" she repeasts.

"Be at peace, Ahsoka," Master Obi-Wan's voice feels like it's speaking directly into her mind. Her eyes grow heavy, and the lava around her bubbles and spreads until it explodes into a brilliant geyser of bright yellow and red molten rock. "And sleep." 

Before she makes it to her knees, the world turns muddy, and then a dark blue. Lights flash overhead, and it takes her a moment to realize it's the lights of ships and speeders flying through the Corescanti night. She's lying on her back, the faint smell of tobacco reaching her senses, making her cringe. 

"Good morning," a soft voice says. Ahsoka sits up, already feeling a horrible headache pulsating in her temples. Caly sits next to her, taking a drag of a death stick. Where they are sitting is a whole other question. 

It's a rooftop of some sort, somewhere in the Upper Crest by the looks of it. Caly is no longer in the party attire Ahsoka met her in, but a pair of baggy pants and a tight-fitting long-sleeved shirt. Her short blonde hair is pushed back with a thick piece of cloth tied at the nape of her neck. 

"What happened? When did we--"

"Bad trip. You needed air," Caly says, shaking her head. "You should have told me you were a Jedi." 

The words hit harder than they should. Ahsoka tries to bite back the urge to cry but she doesn't seem to have any control over her emotions currently. The tears are coming before she can try to hide them. Caly scoots closer to her, rubbing circles on her back. 

"I'm not a Jedi," she says between sobbing gasps. "Not anymore." 

And they sit there in the cool dawn air, only the sound of speeders and Ahsoka's crying to fill the space. She expects nothing of this girl that she met in the fresher of a club, but yet, the kindness of a stranger seems to be the only thing Ahsoka has to hold onto. Caly, ever the one to continuously surprise her, pulls her into a tight embrace, tucking Ahsoka's head into her shoulder. 

"What I told you earlier still applies. This is your next chapter, Ahsoka." 

"It started out pretty shitty." 

Caly laughs. Squeezes Ahsoka a little tighter. "It was just a bad trip. Jedi-- uh, Force-users, react to dreamdust a little dramatically. You didn't know." 

"How do you know so much about Jedi?" she sniffles as she pulls out of the hug. "And how we react to dreamdust?" 

"You're not the first to break away from the Temple for a night of fun," she winks. "Usually they are a bit more obvious." 

"Baggy robes?" 

"Oh, yes, you know the ones." 

Ahsoka manages to smile, wiping away the stray tears. "Thank you, Caly. You've been... a great friend when you had no obligation to be." 

"Well I did provide you with drugs that made you nearly punch a security guard... so don't thank me before you find out you've been banned indefinitely from that club." 

"Probably for the best," 

They laugh. It's comfortable but not familiar. Not the laughs she's used to sharing. After a long time of just staring at the morning traffic begin to pick up, Caly stands. 

"I gotta go. But I'm glad you're okay." Ahsoka is far from okay, but she's better than she was before. She smiles, thanking Caly once again. The girl from the nightclub starts to walk off, but then she stops, looking back. "Do you know what you'll do now, Ahsoka?" 

The former Jedi smiles solemnly. Over Caly's shoulder, she can see the Jedi Temple in the distance. By some miracle, she doesn't feel the urge to sob just by looking at it. It's a tug at her heartstrings, the same feeling she gets from a sad song or when the troopers talk about their fallen. Dull, painful, but every time she looks or thinks about it she knows the pain will lessen.

"For now, I will carry on." 

**Author's Note:**

> This feels like a really off-base topic for me to be writing on since I have never taken a drug in my life, but I've done fever hallucinations and sleep deprivation hallucinations before and thought I'd try something new. The information on "dreamdust" on Wookiepedia was pretty limited so I took some liberties.  
> Thanks for reading! I love seeing all your kind comments.


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